Back at it again!

Well, I'm in the full swing of things and back at it again~TTC.  But only this time, I have taken my health to another level and am thankful to say that I've shed 30lbs and have fully recovered from a motorcycle injury (ankle/knee sprain).  In fact, I'm back at running and will be participating in my first ever (FINALLY!) half marathon next month.  Life couldn't be any sweeter right about now.  I am also happy to say that today's HSG was normal and hopefully we will get the green light to charge full steam ahead with another treatment.  Stay tuned!

Support has never been so stranger

Two days post participation of my very first ever Women's Support Group (WSG) and I didn't realize how it would affect me.  Since WSG, I've played over and over in my mind, the stories shared, the tears shed and the hope that lives on.  I also didn't expect to find myself in such a vulnerable state.  I was ready to share my thoughts but not my tears that totally caught me off guard.  Who'd a thunk it?!  Not me!  I thought I was at a place of acceptance and I certainly still had some lingering baggage.  The moment the focus turned on me, I had a heavy burden lodged deep in my throat that left me speechless.  So, I chose the easy route at that very moment and screeched, "Can we come back to me?" 

As hard as it was, when my turn came back moments later, I had no choice but to share my trials and tribulations amidst the watershed.  I muttered it's been five years now...just taking that in is really heavy.  I try not to go there too much because I find ways of beating myself up over what I could have done or should have done but now all that's in the past.  I found myself fetching for words and moments in time that appeared so long ago yet they were just deeply buried.  As I uncovered each layer of what happened with the failed cycle, I felt a little less burden.  The weight was being lifted off my chest.  I have to admit there were moments that I was reliving sadness and anger over but in the end, I know this will help me so I will continue sharing here and with the WSG.

So, as I continue to navigate through my journey that remains an unknown, I leave hoping that divine intervention will sweep me off my feet one day and bring the joys only a little bundle can bring.  It all still feels so surreal but that kinship of bonding over such triumph and tragedy has never felt better yet never been so stranger.

Random happenings...

Yet again those tiny little side conversations rear their ugly heads and remind me of what I am not able to attain.  Not to mention, followed by remarks that are really not funny and downright rude--"What is he shooting blanks?"  "No swimmers in the tank?" but of course I serve it up with, it's not his issue, "it's mine".  Then it goes on to the somber look with an apologetic remark!   When really, they should be climbing back into the hole they crawled out of!  I don't understand why people think it's okay to trot all over this topic and then prance backward when the response proves to be uncomfortable.  So, my advice to others is simple--"Don't go there if you're not prepared to receive an honest answer!"

I have over time danced around the topic, even backed away from it but lately, my tune is changing and I'm more confident than ever to simply stare the person down and tell them the truth.  It's my truth and I'm not afraid to say it, share it and shut them up.  After all, they wanted to go there so why not complete the ride for them.  I look at it this way, it minimizes the next time they feel the urge to ask such a personal question, right?!  It also affords me the opportunity to educate the ignorant and walk in stride with others that are experiencing the same struggle.  I am not ashamed nor will I ever be...I will admit that I am at times frustrated, disheartened by it but never feeling any less of a woman!

While we begin our summer of family gatherings and conversations abuzz, I will not back down from responding to the ignorant.  I challenge others in partaking the same stance and educating those that are unaware of infertility and its causes.  You never know who may be in your midst and what opportunities may present themselves.  So, onward and upward is the only way to go!

I never thought...

Today is Mother's Day and for some reason I have this overwhelming feeling of emotions that I didn't know existed until now.  I never thought the coveted title of "Mother" would be so hard to obtain and celebrate (well in my case, not celebrate).  While it has been a difficult road I never thought I would be the star of my very own pity party!  This totally sucks! 

Although, I am always the person full of cheer and excitement everytime I hear the announcement of another baby on the way; today's start has proven to be a struggle.  It's been a day to reflect that the time for the coveted title has not come for me yet.  Yet being the opportune word.  As I continue to remain hopeful, I am just feeling at a loss today, so empty, so empty. 

So with these feelings, I turn to my favorite prayer to get through the day and hope in sharing it with others that it provides the same level of comfort it does for me to you, especially on a day like today.  My wish for those ladies experiencing the same kind of emptiness is to celebrate your own special kind of day on this Mother's Day.  For all of you Mommies desiring, dreaming and hoping to one day be that special someone to that little someone I leave you in this special prayer...

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.



Eve of a new beginning

It's been a couple weeks since I began my running routine and I've enjoyed every minute of it.  Yet tonight I opted not to run to cure myself from the insomnia I've been experiencing and obviously since I'm here, it's to no avail.  So why not right about "next steps".

So it is...the eve of a new beginning.  Tomorrow will be where I begin to pick up the pieces of a broken heart with hopes to strengthen it for a new start.  As I said a few weeks back, I will seek alternative therapies, exercise and now NUTRITION, in hopes of kicking this PCOS outta here!

I hope to rid myself of this condition so we can successfully plan to achieve "family status of 2+?".  So, wish me luck on this newfound journey of hopes and dreams and on that note, I say "Namaste".

Ala natural!

Ala natural es el dicho!  Yes, indeed, I have finally decided to try and revamp this condition naturally with exercise, diet and supplements!  It was day two of a 3mi run and it was absolutely exhilirating!  Love the cool wind kissing upon my blushing face.  Nothing feels better than a liberating run with an optimistic outlook on life.

Stay tuned as I log miles and navigate through unfound territory!

Six days later...

Six days later and I'm still getting through the "moment" when the rug was pulled from under me.  It was very disappointing learning the news of a "negative result".  It was a defining moment for us and now we're left to wonder--"what's next?"

Simply said--We really don't know what's next or when that next moment will present itself.  But, all I do know is that I do want it to happen more than anything in this world but at what cost?  I know that sounds horrible but it's the truth.  All that plagues my mind is $$$=possibilities filled with uncertainties.  I'll never stop hoping or dreaming of the day it all becomes reality but the road there is just so sketchy to me that I feel like I can't keep my head out of the fog right now.